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24 April 30, 1995
Dear Agi,
You asked us to write down our feelings and reactions at the time of our so-called "liberation". In order for you to understand my feelings, I have to go back to an earlier period in my life, which had a great influence on my life and on my situations later on...
You should know that my family always lived in strained circumstances. My father never was a so-called "clever" businessman. We belonged to the Orthodox Community, our home was kosher, we kept Shabbat, etc. As a teenager, I had to help out financially, and later, my family depended more and more on my financial assistance. The feeling that I could ease my mother's struggle to make ends meet, gave me great satisfaction, but I was never satisfied with the contradictions in the social conditions of the classes. My friends shared the same ideas, we had similar thoughts and feelings. My religious education was quite limited, incomplete, the only exception was this particular Rabbi whose teachings had a great effect on me, mostly on Jewish political point of view (Zionism). There were among my friends and acquaintances who were interned in 1943-1944 because of their political ideas and activities (Zionists, Socialists, Communists).
The Germans occupied Hungary in March 1944. At that time, my brother Feri and my brother-in-law (Agi's husband) were in Labor Camps. We didn't know anything about their whereabouts. In April 1944 (on the last day of Pesach) I was drafted into a Labor Camp in Kassa. This was the last time I saw my family.
When we arrived, they searched us and took away all our valuables. They even looked into our rectums. I showed it to them proudly, knowing that I didn't have anything to hide. They took us to different places to work (Aranyida, Karpatalia, Varpalota). Here I have to mention one episode. After we arrived in Kassa, they ordered us to work on a railroad. On one of the rail road yards we saw rows of cattle cars pulling in and stopped. We heard desperate yelling and crying from that direction. We couldn't inquire what was going on, we had to continue our work. After a while I heard somebody was calling my name: "Romer, Romer!" I approached him and he gave me an envelope addressed to me with the code number of the Labor Camp. It was a letter from my mother, telling me that they plan to take them somewhere. She also described the places where they hid some of our valuables. I found out then, that this man who gave me the letter was working near to those cattle cars, which as later turned out, were deporting Jews from Szabolcs County (including Nyiregyhaza). Those who worked nearby, found many of these letters, and notes. At this time, we didn't know where they took all these people. Much later, when I was already in Nviregyhaza, I found out that the destination was: Auschwitz.
Our detachment consisted of approximately l60 people. We were guarded by Hungarian soldiers. In the middle of the night, or during working hours, we were discussing in a whisper our situation, and all the rumors we heard and we were considering the pros and cons of the possibilities of our escape. The older ones among us were always against it.
We weren't starving then, those who had some money, could even manipulate a little. My profession came handy, when our guard the sergeant had a toothache.
On October 15 1944, the Arrow Cross gang came to power. From then on everything changed. On October 16, they came to our place and they took all our papers and photos and burnt them. We didn't have any idea why they did it. After this, one freak incident followed the other. On October 17, our guard told us that he needed a few men to go to the field, behind the train station and herd back the cattle to the local butcher's place. Three of us volunteered, and accompanied by the guard we left. On the way there, we had an air raid. We hid behind the houses. We could hear the explosions. After the raid was over, we continued our march. When we arrived to the field we found out that most of the cows died from the blast.
Somebody brought up the question: What about our escape now? We have a chance now! There was a possibility after the air raid because we were close to the train station, and the trains were standing there. While we were discussing this, the guard asked us what was it all about? I asked him if he was willing to accompany us to Budapest. We wore civilian clothes and we had only our yellow armbands on. He said that he was afraid to do that because we needed special orders and papers. So, we went back to our place. When we arrived, the man who was working in the office told us that five of us received Swiss Safe Conduct papers (Protection papers). This meant that we were under Swiss protection and we were free to go to Budapest where they had special "Protected Houses". We had with us the son of the Rabbi of Kisvarda who, a few weeks before, received a paper like this and after he arrived to Budapest, he with a few others, forged "protection papers" and sent them to different Labor Camps.
How I felt at that moment? I was liberated from the Labor Camp! Only a few hours ago we were contemplating the possibilities of our escape, to escape to Budapest, and now we were free to go officially! We were aware of the deportation of the Jews from the countryside, but we also knew that the Jews in Budapest remained either in the ghetto or in those "Protected Houses."
This was my liberation # 1. I was liberated from the Labor Camp but what comes next?
The next day the guard accompanied us with official papers to Budapest. (approximately 90 km) Among the five, two came from Czechoslovakia and three of us from Nyiregyhaza. We were all the same age. I convinced the guard to take us to my aunt's (Zsanka) house before he took us to our destination. When we arrived there, the place was empty. Nobody was there. The sweet taste of liberation turned sour. We didn't have food nor money. We ended up in the so-called "Protected House". This was a former Jewish school, where we found 60-70 other people. Chaos was everywhere. They had a water fountain in the back yard. They were cooking something that looked like soup. The next day we heard a big noise, yelling, screaming and swearing. The members of the Arrow Cross gang arrived. They herded us in spite of our protection papers. We had to march through the city towards the East. By night we arrived to the outskirts of the city. We stopped at an abandoned kitchenware factory. They tried to find place for everybody for the night. The five of us, we wanted to stay together. We looked around and saw a big mound of wood shaving in the yard. It looked like a haystack. We climbed in, and exhausted by fatigue, we fell asleep.
At dawn, one of us climbed out and started to yell; you can come out, they all left! We are alone! This was liberation #2. Is this possible? What did I feel? Now we were alone, but what could we do with our freedom?
What happened was that during the night they continued their march and by hiding in the wood shaving they forgot us. We tried to find out the name of the place, but none of us had the slightest idea where we were. We decided that we continue walking towards the Danube. We didn't wear the yellow star or the armband, we didn't have our army blanket we had only our bread sack on our shoulders. I had my soldier's hat and a flask.
We continued our march on the cornfield. We found cabbage to eat. Here they already had tank traps dug out and some of them were covered with corrugated sheets. After awhile we were afraid to continue because we saw that farther away there were village houses, we heard military movements. We hid ourselves in a bunker and waited. By evening, hundreds of bullets and shell fire flew above our heads. In the deafening noise we could discern Hungarian and German scraps of conversations. By dawn, everything was quiet. We climbed out from the bunker and noticed that we were encircled by Russian soldiers. We hold our hands up and the boy from Czechoslovakia tried to explain in Russian who we were, while they fired shots around us. A Russian soldier approached me and aimed his rifle to my chest, while he was screaming and pointed his finger at me. The Czech boy, talked to him in Russian. He didn't want to believe that we were Jewish escapees, especially me, because I was wearing my soldier's cap. Finally he took my hat and let us go Liberation #3. What did I feel? I was reborn! But the nagging questions were there: What's coming now? What should I do now?
I cannot describe my feelings. Joy, fear, sadness, and the question: is it final this time?
The Russians came from the South, from Romania till Csepel peninsula on a pontoon- bridge. Mutilated corpses were lying everywhere. The corpses of Russian, Hungarian and German soldiers. The shooting continued. We tried to run with the Russian soldiers towards the bridge. In the midst of our running we noticed that one of our comrades is missing. Later we found out that he got wounded and the Russians put him in the army hospital. He came back to Nyiregyhaza in the Summer of 1945. (Haraszti Anti). This military operation that we witnessed was only a temporary movement of the Russians. They retreated to the place where they came from. They put us on an army truck, thanks to the Czech boys. They took us till Kecskemet, app. 80-90 km from the place where they liberated us. Here we were on our own. We didn't have any means of transportation but we were free! We walked through abandoned villages towards North-East, towards "home". We didn't have any identity paper. We stopped in one of the villages and went in to the city hall. There we found all kinds of papers and rubber stamps and we forged papers for ourselves. What for? Who knows!
One day we got a lift again from Russian soldiers. On the back of the truck there was a young Russian soldier. We started a conversation. When the truck stopped, we got off and the young soldier insisted that we should go with him. Late in the afternoon we arrived to a small farm. We saw light in the farm house. We didn't know who or what we would find inside. The young Russian walked in and came out with food and clothes.
He told us that he didn't want to go back to his unit. He wanted to change to civilian clothes and wanted to come with us. He was Jewish and he said that he was tired of fighting. He became a deserter. He spoke only Russian and a little bit of Yiddish. What will happen now? He came with us and we had to avoid the populated areas and the Russians too. (In the Labor Camp there were many people with me who didn't speak Hungarian: Jews, from the Highlands (Slovakia). Poor woodsmen, bricklayers who were religious and spoke only Yiddish).
We could continue our walking only in the middle of the night. When we needed food, the young Russian changed back to his army clothes and looted food and wine for us. After 3-4 days of walking, we arrived to the river Tisza. Here the Russians rounded up civilians and took them to work. They needed laborers to build dams. They wanted to try out the new railway bridge. We noticed that a train slowly shunted backwards. Three of us jumped on the train. The Russian and one of the Czech boys stayed behind. We crossed the river and when we arrived to the other side, we jumped off the train and continued our walk along the rails till we got to the train station.
A train was standing there and on the top of the train we saw civilians. Russian and Hungarian soldiers (from the new Hungarian army) were walking on the ground. We knew that this train could go only towards North-East. We traveled for almost a whole day to Debrecen (50 km from Nyiregyhaza). We heard that the fights were still on around Nyiregyhaza.
The new Hungarian Government was already established. The members of the new Hungarian army guarded the station. We stayed there for two days. Finally two boys, the one from Czechoslovakia and the one from Nyiregyhaza decided that they would go in to the city. I remained at the station. The same afternoon an army train arrived to the station and I found out that it will go towards Nyiregyhaza. I got on and it took me till Ujfeherto, 18 km from Nyiregyhaza. When we arrived there, the train stopped and remained there. I knew the place, so I got off the train and went in to the village. They told me that the Russians liberated Nyiregyhaza and they stayed there.
Many refugees, mostly women and children tried to get back to Nyiregyhaza using ox-carts, or simply by walking. I continued my walk, but I had to choose side roads because the Russians rounded up men for work. I was in a very bad physical condition, I lost lots of weight, and my clothes were infested with lice. I arrived to Nyiregyhaza in this condition, but the thought that I would find somebody from my family gave me strength. I knew that they deported the Jews, but I didn't know anything about Auschwitz or Death Camps. In the first week of November I arrived to our home. Almost all of our furniture remained in the house, but strangers occupied it. They got scared when I showed up. They started to explain to me that they were good people and the city assigned the house to them. They gave me food and a bed for the night. I was totally exhausted by fatigue and fell asleep. The next morning I tried to get some information from them. They told me, that to their knowledge two Jews already arrived back to the city. (They talked about the two, but the fate of the other eight thousands they knew nothing.)
I found out that one of the two was Strauss Sanyi. He was from Slovakia. He spoke several languages, Czech, Russian, Hungarian and Yiddish. He worked as a translator at the Russian Headquarters. He occupied a large house, (a former Jewish home). I was the third Jew who came "home"... Yes! I was home, but what should I do with my life? I felt empty inside, I fell into a deep depression. I tried desperately to find some meaning of my existence. Then Strauss took me to the Headquarters. There, for about two weeks I helped to round up people who were collaborators or participated in the deportation process. I got the information from informers. We sent quite a large number of people to Siberia.
After awhile I didn't feel so good about this. I wasn't sure that I was doing the right thing. Beside the satisfaction of taking revenge, I was beginning to feel remorse. What if I sent innocent people too? In some cases I wasn't 100% sure that they were guilty. This was a sign, that I remained human after all! In the meantime the local hospital became the Rehabilitation Center for wounded Russian soldiers. The Commander of the place was a high ranking Russian Jewish doctor. With military help, I gathered all the equipment from the abandoned dentists' offices and dental laboratories. We also collected the furniture and belongings of the abandoned Jewish properties and we stored them in the Synagogue. By this time more men came back from the Labor Camps. I moved in with Strauss and in that big house we welcomed all the survivors and we put up a soup kitchen. We also furnished a dentist office and a dental laboratory. Strauss was the head of the dentist office and I ran the laboratory. A carload of Russian soldiers came day by day. More survivors started to come back. Every time a new transport arrived, my hope returned, only to give place to another disappointment. In order to forget, I started to drink heavily. The Russians supplied us with pure alcohol. Many times I stayed in the lab during the whole night drinking and working. As the situation became more stable, a People's Court was established, I became a member of that Court. From then on, we tried the guilty ones legally.
The war was still on. One day someone came to tell me that three women had arrived. I ran to see them. My heart sank. When I met them, I was happy and sad, I had very mixed emotions. Your grandmother, your mother and your aunt Lenke arrived. When a survivor came back, we always asked them about our family members, friends. After the disappointing answers, we started to hope again.
But life went on. We had to live. Each day brought disappointments and new hope.
I found someone who gave meaning of my life, and hope for the future. She eased my pain, she became my mother, my sister, my best friend and gave me a family again.
My "new life began". I often ask the question that many fellow survivors ask: Why me? Why not so many others? But nobody could answer these questions. For a long time we were silent. We thought it wouldn't hurt so much if we kept quiet. After writing down this so-called "testimony" I feel that I "liberated" myself...
I don't know if this is what you wanted from me, but for myself I could say I needed it. It was time for me to do it....