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Emery Gregus
Occupation and
Liberation 1944-1945
Aftermath: The Postwar Years
Remembrances
Aftermath:
Conclusion
These
are the events in chronological sequence since we arrived in Canada,
events I can consciously recall, while others are only images and pictures
that emerge from time to time. Obviously many other images are buried
in my subconscious. The events of the last 10-15 years do not stand
out so clearly anymore. It is now that our friends and relatives are
becoming sick and after being ill for some time, leave us forever: my
sister, brothers-in-law, sisters in-laws and friends.
When
I look back on these years and summarize the events, it’s true
that immigration robbed us of our bourgeois European milieu, our mother
tongue, financial security and status. But America, apart from those
individuals in the highest and lowest rungs, is in essence, a classless
society, and "class" does not hinder one’s getting ahead
financially in life. On the other hand, the mind set of the persecuted
always made us choose the middle road, because our experiences of "
belonging" taught us that dangerous consequences might arise from
"belonging." We joined a synagogue, but we never mixed with
its members; we weren’t truly at home in most Hungarian clubs,
and the Canadians remained strangers to us—probably in part because
we didn’t speak English on the level we would have wanted to.
How
does it feel to grow old? I can pose this question at the age of 78
and should be able to answer it. Probably the response depends on the
circumstances from which one grows old and retires. To retire is not
as difficult or depressing as people warned us it would be. Naturally,
the ideal would be to be able to retire when you are young--but with
the advantage of wisdom and the financial security of old age, in addition
to the enthusiasm of youth to enjoy such liberty. Unfortunately, this
wish, attractive as it is, remains unattainable. We should be satisfied
that the emptiness of old age is the result of fulfilled desires (paraphrasing
Oscar Wilde), and this scenario prevails over the alternative of desires
which remain forever "unfulfilled."
Looking
back on life, the conclusions one can deduce from all these remembrances
depends in part on the attitude of the person answering the question.
The pessimist will see the harshness and cruelty of life and the optimist
will see life’s constant renewal.
As
for myself, I have a hard time parting with everybody who played a role
in my life, from little Tibi with whom at the age of 11-12, I sat on
the branches of an old walnut tree in the back of our garden; from the
commotion and warm atmosphere of family life in the house on Jokay street
in Kosice; from the bitter sweet memories of the school years; from
the unfulfilled, hopeless loves and rekindled romances; from the years
of dark persecutions and the memories of togetherness with those who
shared a part of it; and then later the exalted feeling of liberation
from under the constant fear of death; from the vicissitude of years
spent in Budapest after the war, and the happiness of finding Eva; from
the uncertainties of our future immigration, until our arrival in Canada
where we succeeded in making a living, when we certainly weren’t
prepared for such a task; to bring children into the world and find
a place for them in the established social order. These achievements
were made possible only through the ambitions we brought with us from
our childhood and youth.
How did we reach comfortable material success and launch children into the world, and retire without bitterness and bad feelings? How we succeeded in all this, remains a mystery to me--as mysterious as life itself.
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